


Decorating the Darkness Like Stars

by DissonantDreams



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: F/F, Family Fluff, Healing from trauma, Hurt and comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 17:22:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29904486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DissonantDreams/pseuds/DissonantDreams
Summary: A story about Dina and Ellie's love and healing over time told through letters written by Ellie to Dina.Written for EllieDina week 2021. Collected here, for science.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 37





	1. Ache

**Author's Note:**

> This is the place where I'm putting together the story I wrote for EllieDina week.   
> To get the full experience was to have followed along on tumblr over the week of 3/1-3/7. You can still find the posts there, or read it here, where it's all put together for you to read in one go. How convenient!
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> Day One Prompt: Ache

_~~Dear~~ Dina,_

_I don’t know if you’ll ever see this letter. Part of me wants you to, the other wants me to use the paper for kindling. Even if you never see it, I want this out of my head. I want this somewhere that isn’t burning inside me like poison I’m flushing out my system._

_I’m on my way back. I’m sorry I ever fucking left. I know that won’t make a shit of difference to you. If you let me, I’ll spend every moment of the rest of my life making this up to you. To JJ. To myself._

_I’m passing around Las Vegas, too many infected to cut through. To avoid anyone I travel at night, when it’s cooler, when the sounds of the infected are quieted and I can hear myself think. I was traveling during the day, but I kept seeing you and JJ just ahead of me. My mind went crazy and I all wanted to see was you._

_And I can’t stop thinking about you, I never did. I never will. ~~Fuck.~~ ~~What have I done.~~_

_I guess it’s easier to talk about if I put it all out on paper. I’ve been much better at writing it down than I ever was at talking about things. That’s something I want to fix. I want to be able to talk about my past. I wanna show you all the parts of me I’ve hid. I’m tired to the bone over it. I’ve lost so much already, I want to find myself again. The woman I really am. I need to do that for me, I hope one day you’ll meet her._

_There’s an ache now, all the time. It feels like since I left you and Potato I haven’t been alive. I feel empty still, less so than when I left. Because I couldn’t do it, Dina. I couldn’t kill her. I tried. I fucking tried, ~~and that scares me~~ I just wanted it all to stop. There wouldn’t have been any relief, Joel would still be dead and I would have gone to a place he never would have wanted me to go._

_I thought leaving would make it stop, that killing Abby would fill my lungs with air and let me take a breath since Joel died. Some mornings I wake up and wonder if this shit in my head finally started to spread to the rest of me. The turning I’ve been waiting for. My infection finally catching up and taking over._

_My skin hurts still. Worse than before I think. Maybe I flew too close to the sun and since I had no wings to burn, I burned my skin. Icarus adjacent, I guess. You did always tease me about how I never learned. I want to learn, for myself. For you, if you’ll have me. If you don’t ever want to see me again, I’ll understand._

_I miss you so much. I miss the way you held me close and we danced on my good days. I miss the way you’d kiss me soft and told me it was okay on the worst. I miss the way I could find all my favorite constellations hidden on your body, on your skin. I miss seeing the stars with you and Potato._

_Not original Ellie lyrics, but maybe someday?_

_In the dark of night  
I chart the stars for your face   
To find my way home  
Lost in my mind   
I kept it all to myself  
how could i have known?  
Time gives and time takes  
 ~~I lie here awake~~_

_All I have left is what I’ve sown._

_There are millions of stars in the sky and trillions of billions of stars in the observable universe and you are the only one I want to guide me home. Every night I travel I look up and find you there in the night sky. ~~Do you ache like I do, in the hollow of your heart?~~ ~~When you look to the stars and know I’m not there next to you.~~ _

_They guide me like you did once, but will it be enough to get me home?_

_I’m sorry I left you alone. Left you and JJ the way I did. I really thought I could handle what’s going on in my head._

_~~Be careful when you open the envelope it’s filled with sand~~ ~~and a seashell~~ ~~. I should probably~~ ~~write a warning~~ ~~on the outside of the envelope.~~ _

_I’m not a fan of deserts I’ve decided. The cactus remind me of you, that’s the only solace I’ve found out here. It’s too hot, everything is dry and I wonder how the hell you and Talia managed to survive this so young. You’re a fucking badass, I should have told you that more. Not think it when I’m dehydrated hundreds of miles away from you. I hate all the fucking dust in the air._

_But the ocean._

_~~The sound of the waves crashing on the shore helped me sleep.~~ _

_The ocean Dina, it was endless. Blue expanse everywhere and where it met the sky? I want to show you one day. Show you more than just the drawings in my journals. I want to show you and JJ so many things._

_More than anything I want to show you my true self._

_I hope that I can give this letter to you one day. And that you’ll read it. If you don’t I understand._

_The sun just set, and I’m going to follow you home._

~~_Yours if you’ll have me,_ ~~

~~_Yours_ ~~

_Ellie_


	2. Dawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written for EllieDina week 2021.  
> Day Two Prompt: Dawn

_Dina,_

_I can’t believe three months have passed. I was so scared that I would never get to talk to you again after that first day. I’m glad we’ve been talking, even if it’s once a week. Robin told me I could leave a letter with you until you’re ready to talk again. I know our conversation last night was a lot and I’m grateful that you give me the time of day,_ _~~well the time of night,~~ _ _to talk it out._

_I’m learning to be grateful. I thought I was before, but I don’t think I was. Not in the way I am now._

_I’ve always been grateful for you, no matter what happens. You’ve always been a beacon in the darkness for everyone. I’m no exception to that, I’ve always been drawn to you._

_I’ve accepted that I never really healed from what happened with Joel. With what I did in Seattle. I believed I could be good for you and JJ if I kept everything to myself. But that didn’t stop the nightmares or the attacks. I didn’t want to talk because you were already helping me so much, and we had JJ. I never took the time to sit down and talk with you about what I was feeling. You were right, like always. Talking helps. I don’t think I’ll stop now that I started._

_Maria has me helping her plan new routes to expand Jackson territory. I keep telling her to talk to you, you’ve always been better with a map than I have. I don’t know if she was supposed to tell, me but you’re lead electrician now? It’s no surprise, you’re so fucking smart._

_~~Maria gave me some of the stew you made, glad to see you used the Miller recipe. Told you smoke enhances the flavor.~~ _

_Robin has a few books for you on all sorts of electronic_ _~~s and shit~~ _ _components and schematics I found when I was helping Esther sweep the old town for supplies last week. I also left a book with JJ about the stars, he was with Robin when she answered the door. I think he remembers me more each time I see him. He wanted me to read again, probably likes the silly voices. I told him next time I come over to visit._

_He is so big now. He has so much hair, so many teeth!_

_~~I regret not being there to see him grow.~~ _

_I’m humbled that you’ve been letting me back into his life. The last planned visit, we played with his dinosaurs and stuffed animals all afternoon. He likes it when I give them horseback rides. I swear I spent an hour just bucking his toys off so he would laugh and saddle them up again. Over and over, it was the most fun I’ve had in so long. Totally worth the bruises I gave myself. I’m going to convince Maria to give him a horse of his own so he can take all his friends on rides and spare my knees._

_I have my own place now, a little RV out by the Western wall, Maria gave me some more of Joel’s stuff. I’ve been going through it little by little. I don’t know where, but he found this booklet that breaks down the staging of rocket ships! It’s pretty cool._

_You think JJ might understand what I’m saying if I say “orbital velocity” in a silly voice? Probably not._

_There was a carving of a shuttle orbiter next to the booklet. Must’ve missed it when when we grabbed stuff before we left for the farm. I hardly remember those days it’s like my mind wasn’t there. It’s surprisingly detailed. I think he modeled it after Discovery, it looks just like the real thing._

_~~The space book he was reading before he died, there was a section about it~~ _ _._

_~~I never did thank you properly for being with me that day. I never told you how much it meant to me. It was easier being in his house with you there.~~ _

_I want to share that with JJ one day. He’ll probably appreciate the subtle nuance of the silly voice more when he knows what orbital velocity is._

_I’m picking up a week of farm rotation (I know) from Glenn, he says in exchange he’ll get me some good paints for wood. I gotta sand it down and prime it somehow, but I wanna paint it. If it’s okay I’d like to give it to JJ?_

_~~If it’s too soon~~ _

_If not, I did always want a space ship of my own. I’ll take a scaled down version over no spaceship._

_I’m slowly starting to build up my callouses, I still want to teach JJ how to play the guitar if you’ll let me. It’s always gonna be your call. I’m writing for me again, I haven’t quite written anything too great, but I’m working my way up to that too._

_dawn breaks in fire_

_burning,_

_razing the ground as it passes over_

_a thread unraveling into a tapestry lain across the earth_

_blistering heat reducing overgrowth_

_to ash and soil_

_leaving behind a new start_

_The other two pages in the envelope are a drawing of two dinosaurs and a drawing of some flowers in the field out by the valley. One’s for JJ, one’s for you. Obviously, you get the dinosaurs._

_The flowers were pretty and made me think of you. I wanted to pick some for you but I don’t know if we’re there yet. If I’m overstepping just tell Robin and I’ll make sure to take a step back._

_I don’t know how long it’ll take, but I feel like I’m working my way out of this grave I dug for myself. This time it feels like there is a little more light. I still don’t sleep the whole night. I see him from time to time, but it’s not the same. He isn’t begging for me to save him. I’m not sure what that means yet, but I think it’s good._

_Regards,_

_Ellie_


	3. Trouble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written for EllieDina week 2021.  
> Day Three Prompt: Trouble

_Dear Dina,_

_I attached this letter to Tater cause he wanted to be the mailman. We’ve been reading some old books. Found one about a postman pig. He really likes the idea of delivering people’s mail. I told him we don’t really do that, as if it was going to stop him from being Jackson’s first mail man. His new word is “ale” he just kind of ran at me with paper in his hand yelling “ale, el-muh”. He’s probably going to chase you, and he’s so fucking fast, better prepare yourself for that now._

_I was going to give the letter to you, but he’s so fucking persistent. Like you. I also can’t say no to those beautiful browns. I’m pretty sure one day I’ll end up shooting myself in the foot for him. Just cause he asked. ~~Or if you asked, but I know you never would because you~~ ~~know I need to keep those toes for This Little Piggy since~~ ~~I’m two piggies down on my hand.~~_

_If this is how it’s going be when he turns two, I think we’re in trouble. He’s going be so much like Jesse when he grows up._

_We had a good week I showed him the stars, he fell asleep right away._

~~_I showed him which one was you in case he gets lost._ ~~

_I tried to teach him his chords, but again he fell asleep on me. I think he remembers when we played Shaken By a Low Sound to get him to sleep. He was having a bad night and I started play Ecstasy and he calmed right down._

_I drew him that night, I put him in one of the my T-shirts that still smelled like you. The other two pages are sketches of a bunch of our adventures and JJ’s masterpiece he calls it NO! He’s got some strong line work. I think I should be worried he’ll surpass my artistic abilities soon. He’s a prodigy._

_Sorry about the stains in his shirt, he was eating ripe berries. I think pinning the letter to the back of his jacket should be effective enough to stop him from ripping it off and making it look like he bled over the paper._

_Did not realize how much squished berries look like blood until he was covered in it. I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared. I turned my back for two seconds and I thought he had split his hand open on something in the RV even though I JJ-proofed it. ~~I didn’t even think of Joel~~ I panicked, it was that deep, dark red you see when you fuck up bad, I’ve seen so much blood all my life, and I could deal. I knew he had been eating them as a snack, but I just forgot. All I could do was see him covered in blood. ~~All I could think was that it was all my fault he was hurt.~~_

_I did those techniques to calm down from that book you suggested I read. They helped, JJ even helped. Well, tried. He sat in my lap and held his hand on my chest mimicking what I was doing. Though, he might have been wiping the berry juice of his hands on my brand new NASA shirt. Still not sure which._

_That’s part of the reason I’m writing this letter, cause I wanted to thank you. For letting me be a part of his family, after everything I’ve done. It’s more than I deserve, but then again, you always were. I’m still trying to believe you’re right when you say I deserve good things. Deep down I know I agree._

_I’ve been talking with Maria and Esther, they’ve helped me put a lot in perspective. I was so lost on the farm. I wanted to give you everything, but there were parts of myself that I couldn’t give. Not because I didn’t trust you or love you. There were parts that I couldn’t give anyone just yet. I chose to hold them hostage when I should have let them go. I should have talked to you. I’m learning how and I have so much to tell you ~~when~~ if you’re ever ready to hear it. _

_I want to tell you about Riley, all of the real fucking story. I want to tell you about Tess, who helped Joel get me out of Boston. About what happened with Sam and Henry. T here was more to the cannibal story than I told you. ~~But you’ve already seen what I’m like.~~_

_Fuck, I want to tell you about me. How I’ve felt so much guilt since I didn’t turn. ~~How I’m still waiting for my turn.~~ How once when I was eleven I stole a car because two kids dared me to. How I’ve never been good at keeping the people I love alive and that scares me. I don’t want to be scared. Not anymore. Not with you. Not with myself_

_I have so much to tell JJ, too. I want to tell him about Joel, about Jesse. I want to tell him that his dad and my dad used to get drunk and try to play darts even though they both sucked at it. That it wasn’t even a game of who was better at playing, but a game who sucked less. I want to tell him about how you and I would always get into trouble. Well, how I would follow you into trouble and make it worse._

_To this day I don’t understand why you thought I wouldn’t drink a half a jar of shine on a dare. When two days before you watched Jesse goad me into jumping off the barn roof into a questionably small haystack._

_Maybe you asked, knowing I would drink it all. I don’t think you foresaw me puking all over the stables when we tried to sneak in to give Japan those carrots I stole from the mess hall. Maria was so mad, I swear my back still hurts from taking all those farm rotation shifts. Joel gave me the only dad talk I think we ever had about responsibility. It was so hard to take him seriously, cause it was right after Halloween, the first one where Esther had him shave his beard into the ridiculous fucking mustache._

_I might have gotten in trouble. It was worth it to see you smile. I wanted you to like me so much, as a person, as a friend. Never in my wildest dreams would I think there would be more. It felt like it was a dream there was never a right time for._

_Joel, he was the only other person I wanted to like me for who I was. When we started traveling he treated me like I was cargo, I was trying to learn how to whistle and he hated it, for a while I would do it to annoy him cause he was being an ass. I just wanted him to like me enough to make me feel like I wasn’t the burden I was always told I was in Prep._

_After we left Jackson the first time, he stopped telling me to shut up after I started talking about comics or space or whatever. He used to quiz me and I was so happy, because I don’t make friends easy._

_He taught me how to whistle. Said if I was going to annoy him I could at least carry a tune. I think that’s around when he started opening up about Sarah. ~~I wonder if I was a replacement~~_

_You made me feel like we were never not friends. The second I met you I was overwhelmed by just how friendly you were. Like no matter what I did you’d still be my friend. It was true, wasn’t it. I could drink shine and be stupid with you and you’d still tell people I was your friend. Not the weird new kid, who stuffed her pockets full of jerky. I could make the dumbest decision in my life and walk away from the best thing I ever had, and you’d give me a chance to prove I’m not that much of an idiot ~~even though we both know I am but I’m your idiot.~~_

_Like waves trouble ebbs and flows._

_Boats crash on the shores,_

_Without the light to guide them home._

_I’m learning to read the tides._

_Life is not sink or swim_

_To keep alive you have to float._

_I had a fun time at Maria’s birthday party with you. I missed dancing with you and JJ. You still have those moves._

_Always trouble,_

_Ellie_


	4. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written for EllieDina week 2021.  
> Day Four Prompt: Family

_Agent Dinasaur,_

_(Totally JJ’s code name for you not mine)_

_In your absence, JJ and I have kidnapped your toolkit to make a model rocket. He made me do it, and he is watching me to make sure I don’t tell you this was all his idea, but I can get away with telling you cause he isn’t much of a reader yet. I’m still putting myself in danger if this letter gets compromised. He may be two but he is convincing when he wants to be, even if he can’t say much. It’s those eyes._

_You’re lucky I like you, I’m putting myself at great risk by telling you all this._

_Oh never mind he just passed out face first on the floor. How he sleeps like that I’ll never know._

_I had to sketch how ridiculous he looked on the back of this letter. I promise after I was done I put him to bed proper._

_I swear his ability to fall asleep is exactly like dealing with Jesse when he hit his drink limit. Just going, going, going, passed out. His hair even sticks out in the front the same way._

_I miss him too, it’s strange to think it’s been two years without him. I saw you put up the portrait I painted of him in JJ’s room. It looks like he’s watching over him. I like that. We spent the first night you were gone talking about Jesse._

_I told him about the time in your photo from our first patrol all together: so Ollie went on patrol with Cam to the kitchen to help the fierce Dinasaurus who had been separated from the group fight off mutated carrots that needed to be cleared out (JJ ate them) so we could set up a new outpost. He really liked the part where Ollie and Cam broke into the cupboard and found most of the carrots down, except for one that Ollie shot out of the air as it leapt at Dinasaurus. I swear to date that is still the coolest shot I’ve ever seen anyone take.Jesse didn’t ever break a sweat._

_I’m glad Jesse was there that day. He was one of the best patrol leaders Jackson will ever see._

_It’s weird being back in_ ~~_Joel’s_ ~~ _your house waiting for you to come home. I know it’s house sitting while you’re out fixing the damn for a week. I feel calm here now. I never thought I would. I think having made new memories with you and JJ has helped. The house feels alive again. He still lingers, but it’s not a weight. The weed you hid in the planter might’ve helped. (Kidding, I didn’t take any. I brought my own. Still can’t believe you convinced Maria to okay this)_

_Speaking of Maria, she and I visited Tommy. He’s doing better, but his head is starting to give him some problems. We talked a lot. About Joel. About family. I know you don’t forgive him for giving me the map, and I’ll never ask you to if you don’t want to. I only mention it cause he helped me understand something I’ve been struggling with for a long time. Before Joel even met me._

_Family._

~~_I was never wanted after my mom died._ ~~

_I never had one. My mom was a nurse and she managed to have me, but died shortly after. Marlene was supposed to watch over me. If she ever did I was too young to remember. I only remember being passed from hand to hand over the years._

_Boston was a series of me getting tossed out of almost every Military Prep in Boston. Orphanages with fucking government backing. No one knew what to do with me and I couldn’t ever settle long enough to feel like a belonged anywhere, let alone be a part of a family._

_The closest I got before Joel, before you, was my third grade teacher who taught me a bunch of space on his breaks and brought me books and helped me with my homework so I wouldn’t flunk out. I fucked up all that. I punched this kid who tried to step on a turtle I rescued from a tangle of wire. The kid was bloody and screaming when they pulled me off of him. The school’s Director almost sent me to the streets. I don’t know who pulled what strings to get me to sent to the second worst school in Boston. But it was worth it just to be here now._

_I never really saw Joel as a dad when he was alive. He was just Joel, he was a grumpy asshole half the time, but when he thought no one was looking, he drank his disgusting burnt bean water black on the back porch at 10 pm, sang 80’s pop songs when he thought no one could hear him, secretly loved my puns, and took a kid to space after the world went to shit. I never had a family before him. even though I wasn't his kid by birth, he was a pretty good dad to me._ ~~_His mom or not,_ ~~ _I hope I can do right by JJ._

_He did everything he could for me. I know it’s too late, but I’ve come to forgive him. For keeping me alive and for lying. I wish he hadn’t lied. I am glad I’m alive, I have you and JJ and Maria and Tommy and Esther. Even Robin and Cedric took me into their family even though I was the reason their son didn’t make it back._

_Family is important. Family comes first. Joel was trying to teach me that. I've never really knew what to do in the wake of losing him. What I did was so far from what he would have done. He’d have been pissed if I even tried. I get that now._

_I needed to get that out. That’s a weight I thought I would always carry. With you I feel I can put it down._

_~~My~~_ ~~_Very_~~ ~~_Educated Mother_~~ ~~_Just_~~ ~~_Served Us_~~ ~~_Nice_~~ ~~_Pizzas_~~

_And now an Ellie and JJ original song (I did all the work but he’s cute and inspired it so he gets a songwriting credit)_

_maybe we’ll play it for you some time?_

_we gave the moon a face_

_so we'd have a friend in space_

_but there are many more_

_we’ve got nine friends in store_

_they orbit round the sun_

_cause the guy’s so much fun_

_the first friend we see_

_our pal Mercury_

_the morning star is Venus_

_in the evening too she sees us_

_Earth is pretty cool_

_cause on it’s surface there’s you_

_we don't have to go far_

_to hang out with Mars_

~~_Then there’s jupiter_ ~~

~~_what fucking rhymes with jupiter that isn’t stupider_ ~~

~~_zapruder?_ ~~

_Jupiter is a friendly big dude_

_he’s the life of the party with 67 moons_

_Saturn’s got a ring around his face_

_they’re not solid so we can’t skate_

_Neptune sometimes goes from eight to nine_

_it’s part of his orbit hes doin’ fine_

_scientists renamed Pluto’s part_

_but they’re dumb that little planet’s got heart_

_It's not the best, but little Spudnik likes it I think. He didn't fall asleep on me during this one. I suspect he might be taking the drummer route instead of guitar. He kept hitting the back of mine instead trying to strum. He definitely gets his sense of rhythm from you._

_As far as the kiss before you left._ ~~_I’m glad you did it_ ~~ _I’m not going to over think it. There was a lot going on with JJ’s party, and we both were a little tipsy. It was easy to fall back into that easy_ ~~_intimacy_ ~~ _familiarity with you. We both made the choice to let it happen. I don’t regret it._ ~~_I could never regret you._ ~~ _But I understand if you don’t feel the same way. I’ll give you the space to think over what you want it to mean. It doesn’t have to mean anything._

_I’m happy just being your friend who gets to hang out with the sweetest little Potato in all of Jackson if that’s all you want us to be. I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give and nothing more._

_This message will (not) self-destruct after you read it._

_Agent Doub-El Oh Seven_

_(I take credit for this one)_


	5. Abandonment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written for EllieDina week 2021.  
> Day Five Prompt: Abandonment

_Hey there Mama,_

_This letter should reach you well before I do so long as Jack makes it back (that rhyme never gets old). Thank you for your letter, (and for the jerky. It did like the kick, I’ll have to make sure to ask Khanh for more next time I’m back in Jackson.)_

_It put a lot into perspective after our_ ~~_date?_ ~~ _dinner last week. There are a lot of things I should have done that I didn’t do. And I did abandon you, despite the fact that it is the very thing that scares me the most. I put that fear in you and you have every right not to speak to me. I’m fucking happy that you are. And that you’ve invested time in me. I’ve been working hard on making things right. I’d be nowhere near where I am right now if you didn’t believe in me. I have more ways to cope and really be there for you and JJ. I don’t think I’ve been able to be this present in my life._

_I know we’re still coltish in this new...thing, we have. I know it’s not quite what we had before. This feels different. Exciting. I want to see where it goes, too. I’m glad we were friends first. I like knowing you can still confide in me after everything we’ve been through. That you still want to kiss me under the stars. That there has always been a place for me in your heart and your home. To me those two things were always the same place._

_I don’t want to label anything, we go (or don’t) at your pace. Whatever this is between us, it brings me peace._

_I missed tracing the constellations on your face in the morning. I miss them now out here. I know I volunteered but a two week sweep has been exhausting and I miss JJ._

_It’s only been a week. I don’t know if I can handle a week more._

_Does he still call me Ma when I’m not there? He just started and I don’t want him to forget while I’m gone. I hope he’s been handling my absence okay. I know he struggles hard when you’re out._

_If he asks you to read The Root Child, make sure to do your best Jesse impression for the village leader, it’s his favorite character. For a two-year old he is exceptionally particular about the things he likes, just like his Mama._

_We found a whole new electric power plant out here in Fremont, it’s the perfect place for an expansion. The canyon surprisingly enough has made it difficult for infected to cross out too far. Most of the plant is still intact, it’s been preserved pretty well despite being abandoned all these years. Looks like Maria was ahead of the game when she and her dad started Jackson. It sounds like Tommy is going to take over out here. I know you can work around him, but I figured I’d give you the unofficial official statement to give you time._

~~_We talked, a lot. I wish we did before everything got so fucked._ ~~

~~_He was going through the same shit I was._ ~~

~~_We could have helped each other._ ~~

_There were a few signs of infected and a few signs of Hunters, but we were thorough, those fuckers are long gone. On the way in we encountered this fucking terrifying infected that was like a Shambler_ ~~_they should have called them bloaters on acid_ ~~ _and a Stalker fused together, it shot acid and was fucking impossible to hear. Glenn got a back full of acid, his coat saved him from the worst of it, but we had to wait and see if he’d turn from the contact._

_Gerald fucking wanted to shoot him._

~~_I wanted to kill Gerald for trying. Fucker._ ~~

_I convinced them not to. I volunteered to watch him, I don’t think I’ve had such a rough night since I thought I infected Cat. He’s got nasty white chemical burns on his skin, like the blood evaporated or somethings. The muscle turned pure black. I don’t know the medical side of it, but it’s something Lera said they’d quite never seen, usually there is some color. I’m hoping it doesn’t spread somehow before we head back to Jackson in a week.. Maybe if he survives he’ll also have a secret to hide? Funny if it worked that way._

_We might actually have a bridge system we can use to keep infected out further. It’ll make defending against Hunters smarter and safer, it takes a lot of effort to get here without the bridge, we’re going to need to make some major repairs/alterations before it’s safe to move everyone in. But this feels good. This feels like it’s important._ ~~_Like it matters._ ~~ _I’m still working on getting out of that head space, I know what we both do matters. What I’m doing matters. Who I am matters, to you, to JJ, to Jackson._

_The sky out here. Dina it’s so nice after the sun sets. If you go a little ways down the canyon and look up, it’s like a geode. Like the canyon’s been cracked open above you. The stars. I know they’ll have you out here once we can get the area clear to do all the smart electronic stuff, so you should take a break one night and check it out. I can find all my favorite constellations, almost like I’m looking at your face. I miss your face a lot out here. I find comfort in stars. I believe something’s out there. Not in the same way you do. You taught me something is better than nothing. Even if it’s believing in myself._

_The vastness should make me feel alone in the universe. Knowing you might look up and see the same sky it comforts me. Makes me less lonely._

_All my life the thought of being alone terrified me,_ ~~_scorpions as well those fuckers are creepy but you know that_ ~~ _everyone I loved kept leaving and the one time I had someone willing to stay. I left. Going after Abby felt like something I had to do to make everything in my head stop. I wanted it to get quiet. It didn’t._

_That day in the barn with JJ plays over and over in my head. What if I hurt him? Or hurt you?_

_I couldn’t live with myself. I did hurt you and now I live with that everyday._

_I was trying to be like Joel. What I thought he would do if it was me that died._ ~~_What he did do._ ~~ _Everything I did, it’s not what he’d do. Joel would have stayed, put the people he loved first. Letting him die like that, for the longest time it felt like if I dropped hunting Abby down I was betraying him._

_I was more scared to be with someone while I was so broken so dangerous in my own mind, scared of lashing out or losing myself. How long would it have been until I was so gone I physically hurt you? I wanted everything in my head to stop and it seemed like leaving was the only way to keep you safe. Killing Abby seemed like the solution and the fact that I was so far gone I couldn’t put that aside to be present for you. Couldn’t give up that pain to accept love. I’m done. I don’t want to be scared of myself. I don’t want loving myself to be a source of guilt. I’m not there yet. I don’t know if I will be any time soon. It’s going to take a lot more time._

_When I get back, we can go visit the farm together. You’re right, it might be good for us. And if it isn’t, we’ll talk about it more._

_It’s been over a year since I’ve been on the farm. I wonder if any of my comics are salvageable? Salvage Starlight? There’s a joke. I’m ready to look at the guitar again. I don’t know how damaged it is, but there is something I want to do with it. Something I can do with it. I don’t need it to remind me of him, but there is a part of him that is a part of me. I want to keep that part around to remind myself that there is a part of me he saw worth keeping alive._ ~~_Even if it was selfish._ ~~ _I want to hold on to that part. Have proof in case I forget. Give it new meaning._

_I count the stars that have settled on your face._

_Wished the earth goodbye as I’m launched into space._

_Weightless and waiting._

_My mind orbits round,_

_breathless, anticipating._

_I can’t hear a sound._

_Huston can you hear me?_

_gravity_

_no longer_

_matters it seems_

_Telemetry made me see,_

_You are a universe_

_and I_

_a pale blue dot._

_There should be a package with this letter. We found some of those test meter thingys you were looking for and a set of rechargeable power tools. Not sure how good the batteries are, I figure you can scrap ‘em for parts if you can’t figure them out. Oh, there is something for Tater as well. They used to do tours of the facility and hand out these little plastic hard hats for the kids. Which are not that hard at all. I sent home a stack of them for the preschool, but the green one is for him. His favorite. I can’t wait to see you guys when I get back._

_Yours if you’ll have me,_

_Ellie_


	6. Redemption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written for EllieDina week 2021.  
> Day Six Prompt: Redemption

_To My Wife,_

_Hey, babe. You're sleeping, finally. Took me a bit, but I managed to tucker you out._

_I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get tonight out of my head. Our first time as a married couple under the stars was definitely a brilliant idea. I’m glad I had it. Getting to see all my favorite constellations in your eyes as you came was pretty_ ~~ _indescribable amazing_~~ ~~_wonderful_~~ _stellar! Stellar? Because stars? I got there. You definitely threw my brain off it’s orbit tonight. I'm glad we also got to marry as the sun set and the stars came out. I don’t have to fear the night anymore knowing there will be a dawn._

_It’s weird. You’re asleep, taking up all the space on the bed (still can’t believe I fit a whole bed into this tent) I'm still finding constellations on your skin. I’m drawing you again. I’ll show you when you wake up. This one is for me. A map of your celestial body._

_Did you know Lyra rests on your right shoulder, where I rest my head when things are difficult?_

_Corona Australis lies at the nape of your neck, just below your hairline I kiss it every time I pass you by in the kitchen. And the garden. And your work space. And when you’re trying to shower. And when your putting JJ to bed._

_Pictor is on the back of your right hand, right where my fingers fit with yours._

_On your left hip, Scutum sits right under your belly. It was my favorite spot to kiss when you were pregnant with JJ._

_Pyxis settles just over your heart. It’s my new favorite spot to kiss, because it always gets the best reactions out of you._

_On your thigh, you have Camelopardalis, it reminds me of all the best memories with my family I’ve had throughout my life. The giraffes with Joel, finding the constellation just outside your bedroom window the night JJ was born, all the way up to you making Cam for JJ. I told you I loved that you made him a stuffed giraffe. Truthfully I wanted to kiss you when you told me you stitched the constellation into its chest so I wouldn’t be far from him. We weren’t there yet. Not even close._

_I get to kiss you whenever I want now. Wow._

_Crazy how much can change in two years._

_My guiding star, rests just under your left ear. Right where your pulse jumps when I kiss you._

_You are truly a heavenly body. My personal night sky. I can always find my way back home on your skin._

_I wanted you for a long time. I still can’t believe you wanted me back. What we had before you kissed me, before everything went to shit. I thought I lost that. Thought I lost you. I’ve been so scared of losing you completely. I almost did. No matter what happens next, I’ll continue to keep fighting to keep you. No getting rid of me now that I’m yours forever._

_Seeing you now, I feel like my purpose is to love you. To some extent it was always to love you. Maybe you rubbed off on me when you rubbed me off the first time. Kidding. Sort of. I want you to know that, our first time still means something good to me. Even if the rest of the day doesn’t. I was lost after that day. Even in the darkness, I always had you. Now you have me back. Not just physically. You opening up to me at the farm about how alone you felt on the days I left to hunt and came back a shell of myself. Really pushed me to be better. Hurting myself was hurting you and I never want to hurt you again if I can help it._

_I still have nightmares. Some days I can’t be here the way I want to be, but you have me. All of me. Even my broken parts, kept together with duct tape and sheer stubbornness._

_Luck and fate seem so ridiculous in a world like this. Yet. I'm alive at the same time as you. So maybe you’re on to something. (I’ll have to stay with you for a long while and test my theory.) I love you and for some reason you love me back. JJ is healthy and smart and he is all the good parts of you and Jesse. He did so well today, helping us make our own traditions._

_Jesse would have been so happy for you. He’d have told you how beautiful you were. He would have asked which barn stall crew was on rotation to clean me up so well. I miss him. I miss Joel. I’m glad you came up with the brilliant idea to let them both live on a little through our son. “The people we survive, survive us so long as we don’t allow them to be forgotten”, right?_

_I loved that you made outfits for Ollie and Cam so that they could match his little green dress shirt. I never thought I’d be married with a stuffed elephant in my breast pocket and a stuffed giraffe in my wedding party. I wouldn’t want it any other way._

_The shock of getting to marry you might have helped me get over the shock of coming back home after a month out in Fremont to you proposing to me. To move in with you, to have a family._

_To stay._

_I’ll never get over how sure you looked in that moment. Hearing you say fuck it. Holding my face in your hands. Telling me with out any question, you were as done as I was waiting for things to be “right” and just let them be. To figure this whole thing out together._

_For the second time in my life I still can’t believe you kissed me. It never felt rushed, I know you worry about that. That we’re moving too fast, that this might be stupid. I lost you once and I’m never losing you again not if you’ll have me._

_Dina, everything is growing clear to me each day I get to love you fully. After all we’ve been through, everything that I’ve done has been for something._

_For you. For JJ. For me._

_I unzipped the top of the tent earlier so I can watch the stars. All I can look at is you. Your skin has a glow now. I know if I look up the dawn will have crept up on us._

_I’m debating on if I should let you sleep or risk getting punched in the arm for waking you up to see the sun rise. Everything feels so new to me right now._

_The beginnings of a new day are glinting off the moth bracelet I made you, for the wedding. You look so good with it on. It contrasts your skin perfectly. I went back for the moth, because I want you to have that part of me. The kid with too much jerky stuffed in her pockets, who told the worst puns, she’s worth keeping alive too. She is the part of me I want to give you, the part of me that will always be yours._

_The moth in my skin that you have grown to love, now it rests above yours. The pain that moth once caused me pain and hurt has been replaced. Now when I see it all I can think of is the love of the people around me. And you. Always you. Your patience, your acceptance, your love._

_I feel redeemed. That the love you give me everyday, is the love I am worth and more._

_i have burned up_

_a thousand times_

_in your atmosphere_

_and i will burn_

_a thousand more_

_to touchdown_

_on your surface_

_Here I am with you tucked against me. I can’t sleep, for the first time the reason why makes my heart race with excitement. I can’t bring myself to stop looking at you, I want to see the sun set and rise on your skin tonight and every night after. I want to remember it all._

_I was supposed to die a million deaths. I’m done waiting. My life matters now. I have a family._

_I was never supposed to live, but you gave that to me. That reason to fight to stay alive. To grow. To love. I don’t think I can ever repay you for that._

_But I’d like to try._

_Yours, for as long as you’ll have me._

_Your wife,_

_Ellie_


	7. Infinite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written for EllieDina week 2021.  
> Day Seven Prompt: Infinite

_My dearest wife Dina who is my wife and I love dearly,_

_Hey, babe. Hope this letter finds you well. They always do these days I guess, cause I put them there.  
_

_What’s up? The sky! I'm excited we’re going out to the cabin for two weeks for our Anniversary! Twenty years is a long time to put up with you, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. (We both know it’s the other way round, let me have this. Kay, babe?)_

_If you’re reading this letter, then you have completed my little scavenger hunt and are now packed and ready to go, we head out tomorrow. Unless you have something better you could be doing?_

_JJ promised he will watch Laika and Toony. The cats practically jumped into his arms. Starting to think they like him more than me, the person who feeds and loves them and calmly deals with their surprise murder gifts on our floor, hidden in the laundry basket, on the kitchen island, in our bed and occasionally, directly on my face at four am._

_I still can't believe that Eugene had a book of astronomical events and celestial objects tucked away for posterity that we get to see this one in our lifetime. Let alone during our anniversary. I remember Joel saying he wanted to live long enough to see this sucker cross the sky cause he was way to young to witness and remember it last time it passed over our collective heads. I know this is a once in my life time experience, thank you for indulging me and letting it be a once in our life time experience._

_I’m excited I get to share this with you. I’m happy I’m alive at the same time as you to see it._

_Twenty years around the sun with my favorite person. It's so strange how humans keep marking the passage of time. I guess how else would we know we've made such an achievement._

_Twenty years has felt like no time at all and forever at the same time with you. You make my heart race and palms sweat all the same. You make me feel as if I’m nineteen all over again and it’s just you and me in the middle of the dance floor, and I don’t want to fuck up our friendship._

_Then you kissed me. Suddenly, I’m panicking because the girl I like kissed me. I never thought in my wildest dreams (trust me they were wild) that she would ever want to kiss me, (let alone spend the rest of her life with me). I still can’t stop smiling because of you. I’m smiling right now as I write this, ask JJ, he’s making fun of me for it as I write. Should I tease him with the time we caught him making out in the kitchen with June and how love struck and gross he was? I’m gonna do it._

_(He flipped me off. Definitely our son.)_

_I’m not making up for the things I’ve done anymore. I’m making things happen with you. It feels like I’m living. I am allowing myself to feel blessed to have you._

_It's still weird for me to say. You're the closest I'll ever get to believing there’s something out there. If there’s more to this life than what we’ve experienced I hope my soul finds yours. If it doesn’t we’re made of stardust, the universe is us and when we go, we return home. I’ll go home to you._

_Always. I found my way back to you twenty-three years ago. I’ll find my way back if it takes a millennia._

_You have been my guiding star all these years. Whenever I feel lost I look to you. You’re still the prettiest star in the universe. Twenty years and I’m still finding new constellations with you.  
_

_Thank you for giving me a second chance, for raising our son to be a kind compassionate man, like his father, for teaching me that if I have a bad day there is a chance to make tomorrow better._

_Thank you for helping me remember how to laugh, for helping me discover new songs in my heart. For having my back when were paired together, in life and on patrol. There is no one else I want beside me when the roads get tough._

_Thank you for keeping me safe from myself when I can’t. Staying up with me after a bad dream long enough to make breakfast with me so I don’t have to feel guilty. Helping me come back to myself when the nightmares were too much to handle._

_Thank you for never letting me be alone again._

_Lyrics to your favorite Ellie original, since last year you got way too high and kept making up lyrics. Now you have no excuse not to sing this ramblin’ tune with me:_

_as we grow older_

_if our love will start to smolder_

_oh will you keep this beacon lit with me_

_cause you're my north star against the night_

_my silver dawn come morning light_

_next to you is where i want to be_

_where you go oh i will follow_

_through happiness and sorrow_

_oh won't you chart this course with me_

_cause you're my compass when i'm lost_

_the rose that points me home at any cost_

_next to you is where i'm meant to be_

_when your lost I will find you_

_when you’re without hope I’ll stand beside you_

_cause I was built for you and you for me_

_love is work but loving you comes easily_

_oh darlin’ don’t you see_

_Here’s to twenty more._

_May we both make it to seventy-three._

_Yours then, now, forever,_

_Ellie, who is you wife and the anniversary planning fucking master._

_P.S. If you haven’t **packed light** you might want to look up. I got you a gift._

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dina put down the final letter with a smile, fiddled with the moth bracelet Ellie had made for her for their wedding out of her old guitar. _This is the part of me I want to give to you._ The worn brown leather soft and pliant under her touch, much like the partner her wife had grown into over the years. Carefully tracing the ink of the silly sign off with her finger. After all these years she had finally got the part of her best friend that would joke and tease her back. Guilt prevented Ellie for years from allowing herself to joke, even when Dina assured her she was okay with it.

Fondly remembering all the silly little names and games Ellie would play, the cautious way she balanced being back in their lives, being a person after spending so much time lost in her own head. The letters had been the best thing she ever did. Providing needed communication without all the outburst. Then over time, they had grown into an almost daily occurrence, secret note and letters to find in the strangest places. Ellie never letting her forget how much she loved her. They had been through so much together over the years and thanks to her wife, they would never have to forget what they overcame to be here.

Humming contentedly, Dina gathered and folded the letters she had been reading into a pile. Putting them back in her binder full of all the words and drawings Ellie had given her over the years. Since she teasingly asked for Ellie to put the fact she liked her in writing all those years ago as they scoured the ruined outskirts of Seattle. Ellie had not disappointed, two decades together and Dina had several novel’s worth of pages. Grateful she hadn’t ripped that first letter apart the moment a haggard and malnourished Ellie silently and sheepishly handed it to her before going off to the clinic to get treated for her numerous wounds.

She loved having proof of Ellie’s hard work, of their little family growing over those years. When things were hard. Where some days she’d say so many prayers to calm herself down she thought she’d run out. The hurt and anger ebbing away into forgiveness and back to love. There was no way she could stay mad at Ellie.

Ellie had only grown more handsome in their years together. The errant section of her hair that always seemed to escaped her hair tie had begun to gray, thin lines of silver among the auburn. Dina remembered the night when she realized her hair was graying, tucked into Dina’s chest after a night of love making Ellie had shown Dina in the dim lamp light of their bedroom.  
  


“My hair’s graying.” She got quiet, contemplative, the way she always did when she was processing. “I never thought I’d live long enough for this to happen.”

Dina had pulled her closer then kissing her temple, “Well, it makes you look distinguished.”

Snorting Ellie had dropped her head over Dina’s heart, allowing Dina to card her hands through her hair. Which she did, moving a lock of hair aside to place another chaste kiss to her forehead. “Not possible. You’re the distinguished one in this family. I’m gonna look like Shift, from the Society of Champions. Oh do you think I’ll get my own card?”

Running her hand over the final letter, tracing the lyrics of the song she knew so well by now, Dina flipped the page over to look at Ellie’s illustration of her on their wedding night, surrounded by a halo of her hair spread out around her, the blanket they had spread out in the field underneath her as she laughed at Ellie’s stubborn insistence she capture the moment naturally – instead of using the camera Dina had brought along for that very reason – after they consummated their marriage instead of “fucking her wife silly”, as she put it that night, brushing eraser shavings off her thighs and sticking her tongue out as she drew, “There is time, Dina, and I’m going to take it. After I draw my wife, who mind you I just fucked so silly, so that when I am old and my memories failing I can look at it and go oh yeah, this is from when I just got done fucking my wife silly for the first time that night.”

Ellie had gotten every freckle. Every scar. Every hair on her body down in careful detail. It was the most beautiful she ever felt, wild and carefree, wholly loved, under Ellie’s eye’s.

“Babe, you done in there?”

Dina slowly came back to the present, Ellie’s deep voice guiding her out of the chain of memory. Stepping away from the table she clicked off her new camping lantern and walked over to the door where Ellie leaned against the frame the night sky a background behind her. Ellie tugged down an invisible hat with her right hand, tipping her head down, her errant strand of hair escaping from the tiny ponytail she had tied at the crown of her head, “Howdy, ma’am.”

With a lopsided grin she casually crossed her arms, the muscles filling out the rolled sleeves in a distracting way, years of hard work Ellie had managed to bulk herself up, she might out eat her at dinner these days, but she was still her string bean.

Din quirked a brow, “Oh is that where tonight is going, cowboy?”

Vibrant green eyes tracked Dina’s every little movement as she approached, mirth scintillating in Ellie’s irises like the stars behind her. After all those years of pain to see Ellie love so openly, to be carefree and unburdened, her heart leapt at the sight. Dina smoothed down Ellie’s collar wondering just how blessed she could be to have this woman in her life after everything they had been through over the years.

Ellie pulled their foreheads together, eyes twinkling as though they head the answers to all the questions that hung in the night sky, “According to the almanac Eugene had stashed away, we’re going to have a really great view just beyond the ridge. I got the telescope set up. You ready?”

“I was almost done,” Dina slipped a hand to the back of Ellie’s neck to draw her down into a deep kiss. Licking into her wife’s mouth with a contented hum, before pulling lightly on her lower lip with her teeth. Effectively breaking the kiss off. “Now I’m ready.”

Ellie froze, her eyebrows raised momentarily in surprise, slowly she blinked, exhaling the breath in her lungs harshly through her nose, as her brain caught up. When she finally met Dina’s eyes she broke out into a brilliant grin. The same one Dina had memorized twenty-three years ago, when they were nineteen and she had spent the whole night working herself up to tell Ellie how she felt. The thrum of nerves and excitement potent in her veins now as it had been then.

“Are you sure you’re ready?” There was a hungry glint in Ellie’s eyes, slowly tracking between Dina’s lips and her eyes as she leaned down. Her breath danced along the fine hairs of Dina’s lip making Dina grin as she began to move forward to meet her wife, abruptly ducking around Ellie at the last second with a gentle push leaving her wife standing there in the doorway hands out at her sides, stuttering in confusion. “H-hey, what the fuck!?”

“You said we only have so much time before it-” Dina’s words cut of with a yelp as she heard Ellie rush down the stairs after her. Taking off down the path, giggling at the thud and light “ _ow, fuck_ ” of Ellie jumping down the stairs. Scrambling sounds of her fumbling behind her, quickly crew into fast footfall that grew closer before a pair of hands came up to cover her eyes. “Fuck, Ellie. What are you doing?”

“It’s _supposed_ to be a surprise. Can’t have you spoiling it.” Ellie’s voice was low as she panted in her ear, Dina shuddered at the sound. Ellie kissed the nape of her neck over to her shoulder, to where the old thick scar from the theater is hidden by her floral blouse. “ _Fuck._ How are you still so fast?”

“You’re just slow.”

Resting her lips there on the fabric over the long-healed scar for a moment Ellie caught her breath. Lifting her hand to Ellie’s left wrist, Dina stroked her thumb over as her pulse, gentle and comforting as possible. She knew no matter how old they grew together, Ellie would harbor some guilt for that day in the theater. For that week, that month. That year. Even after endless conversations and quiet arguments, resolved in the early hours of the morning. They had come so far, they were still here.

“Do you trust me?” The question was whispered into her skin, edged with a hint of nerves. Even after all this time Dina proudly still had that effect on her.

“I’ve trusted you for twenty five years. Give or take.” Dina kept her eyes closed, leaning back into Ellie’s chest, resting her head on her shoulder. The comfort of hidden strength relaxing her. “So unless this has been a long con to murder me in the Wyoming wilderness, I think I’m good.”

“Shit, you caught on. I’m actually a werewolf” Ellie nuzzled her nose into Dina’s neck, the puffs of air tickled, making her squirm. Ellie gave a ridiculous sounding half howl half growl and bit her neck. Swatting at the head on her shoulder to no avail, Dina smiled at her wife’s ridiculous antics.

The joy had returned to them over the years, a trickle at first, now grown to waves crashing into the shore eroding the rocks of doubt and mistrust that had piled on after Ellie had left to chase after Abby. Reaching back behind her she gave Ellie’s thigh a light pinch, the warm body behind her jerking. “Ow! I’m trying to eat a meal in peace here.”

“Calm down there, _D_ _awn of the_ _W_ _olf_.” Ellie scoffed in her ear and continued with her werewolf bit, lightly biting down her arm. Rolling her eyes Dina pinched her a second time.“And now to make my daring escape.” Tickling Ellie’s side she heard an indignant shout of laughter and the arm around her let go enough for her to move forward. Until a strong hand held hers still, stopping the assault. An arm came to wrap around her stomach once more as she was pressed back into Ellie with a huff.

“Don’t run. I’ll stop.” Ellie halfheartedly grumbled, keeping her left hand covering Dina’s eyes. “I have to walk us there.”

“That sounds like something a Wyoming werewolf would say.” Dina teased, covering the hand on her stomach with her own and squeezing three times. “Well, if I’m a meal that must be eaten at least let me have my final wish to see this incredible night time display with my wife. To see the stars one last time.”

Ellie snorted in her ear, “You’re the most dramatic meal I’m ever going to eat.”

“You love it.” She felt Ellie nod against her hair. Barely hearing the whispered _“I do.”_ that followed.

Dina let Ellie guide them to their destination. Holding Dina to her chest and rocking them forward on their heels in stilted steps so Dina wouldn’t trip. Her brilliant plan failing when Dina, overcome with fits of laughter at the utter ridiculousness of Ellie’s bullheadedness that she surprise Dina this way when she could easily carry her, began to stumble.

It was awkward and silly and wholly representative of their love as it had grown over the years. They had to stop a few times to collect themselves, quell their giggling long enough to tuck back into one another and try again. Ellie’s hand never left Dina’s face, even when she blindly sought out Ellie’s lips. Instead she carefully directed her to her goal and reciprocated with enthusiasm. The contented noise she made, going straight to Dina’s chest. Her pulse leaping at her throat.

Who would have thought they would be here alive and married for twenty years? Certainly not her. Not with the reckless way Ellie continued to take on life with. Even though she was cautious compared to her teenage self, Ellie still had the habit of running towards danger without questioning it. Defending Jackson and Fremont from Hunters and infected alike. Not that Dina herself wasn’t reckless, not when she was constantly right behind Ellie, to make sure the future of the towns were the best they could be and to make sure her wife wasn’t too reckless. Old habits and all that.

Dina hummed, “Are we gonna miss the show if we keep this up?”

“It’s only a once in a lifetime thing. We can probably miss it.” Ellie captured her lips between the ghost of a smile.

“You’re right, let me open my eyes and we can just go back to the cabin.” Dina moved back a fraction and Ellie’s grip tightened.

“Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, let’s not be too hasty.” Ellie let go of her waist, uncovering her eyes. “At least see what you’ll be missing out on.”

It took a few seconds for her eyes to adjust, when she finally took in the view before her, she found herself rendered breathless by it’s beauty. They had walked a ways down into the small range of mountains, nestled just below the base of the rocky face of the outcropping their cabin was on. In front of them, above the sparsely snow covered caps of the expansive Tetons mountain range, was a shining expanse of sky purples and blues. A band of faint milky white as hundreds of thousands of stars danced on the black sky above them. Cutting a pathway across the Milky Way, was a brilliant blue-white comet. She had heard somewhere the night sky was the face of the universe staring down at the world. On nights like this, a river of stars snaking its was across the sky, it certainly felt that way.

“Holy shit, El.” Dina strained her neck trying to take it all in.“This is beautiful.”

When Ellie didn’t respond right away Dina tore her eyes away from the sky over to Ellie, who was fiddling with the nubs of her left hand nervously.

“That’s Halley’s comet. It’s been orbiting around the sun for the last seventy-five years. The last time anyone saw it, was in nineteen eighty-six.” Ellie whispered pressing the toe cap of her shoe into the dirt, drawing a line. “There might not be anyone who saw then still alive.”

“There has to be right?” Dina refused to believe that there wasn’t at least one person alive on earth that hadn’t see this before. “I mean, Eugene made it to seventy-three.”

“I doubt it.” Ellie grew silent, working her jaw, a sign she was grappling with something. Exhaling out her nose slow, her eyes met Dina’s cautiously. “I wish Joel got to see this. He was a baby the last time.”

There was something to be said about the longevity of Joel’s impact on Ellie. Even thought he had been around for such a short amount of time, the ripples of his life echoed on. Something Dina spent years teaching Ellie. No one is truly dead unless you let them die. Nights spent talking about him, Ellie teaching JJ how to play guitar, the moth on her arm. Ripples that bounced across time. Ripples, that one day they too would leave behind. On her bad days, Ellie still grappled with having a greater meaning, even in an uncaring universe.

“Hey,” Dina put a hand on Ellie’s back, getting her attention. “Joel would have thought this was cool as shit.”

“Psh, Joel wouldn’t know what half of this shit is.”

From the way Ellie tucked he lip, Dina knew she was feeling guilty, there was always work to be done between them in the healing department. It was work they were willing to do. 

Leveling Ellie with a stare she spoke dramatically, placing her hand on her for head, then gesturing to the night sky, “Ellie, I can’t keep going on like this with you. I need space.”

Her wife rolled her eyes after a moment of  pun induced pain ,  “ Wow, that sure was...something.”

Taking her hand Ellie led her the few steps closer to the rest of their evening. On the ground in front of her Ellie had thrown down a thick red picnic blanket with two empty mason jars, a few candles of varying sizes, and a bottle of their favorite whiskey. Just beyond the edge of the blanket, on a tripod, sat a black telescope pointed towards the heavens.

“You didn’t already sneak a peak without me did you?” Dina asked, in mock offence.

“I had to fuck with the telescope to get the viewfinder adjusted so _someone_ better not give me grief about it.” Ellie muttered, grunting as she knelt pulling a lighter out of her back pocket.

“Cheating on me with a new celestial body, I knew this day would come.” Dina tapped her foot against Ellie’s earning herself a chuckle.

“You’re still my favorite, babe.” Ellie spoke earnestly, Dina’s teasing going over her head as she doggedly tried to light the candles; her lighter sparking, yet no flame appeared.

“Light, you stupid fucker,” she heard Ellie curse as the sounds of flint on steel grew more frequent and frustrated.

Running a hand over Ellie’s shoulder Dina took the lighter from her wife’s hands with a roll of her eyes, “Give it here, stupid.”

With a few quick and practiced movements, Dina opened the lighter against her thigh, the flint sparking and the wick catching as if Ellie hadn’t spent minutes trying to get it to light. Handing the lighter back with a smirk, a bright blame dancing between them. Dina couldn’t help but smile as Ellie’s jaw slacken ever so slightly as she took the lighter from her hand with a loose grip, staring at the flame then at Dina in disbelief.

“How the fuck did you do that?”

“Magic.” Dina smirked.

“You really are my favorite.”

Dina watched as Ellie held a hand out in front to block the flame as she went about lighting the candles. The lighter snapping closed as deft fingers tucked it back into her back pocket. There was the scrape of a bottle top being unscrewed, the sound of liquid being poured, shortly followed.

Dina took the extra time to admire the woman Ellie had grown into, her frame still lean, with a few more curves these days. Mostly muscle from years of construction and patrol. Ellie had worn the emerald green dress shirt they married in, tucked into her least holey skinny jeans, and the muscles in her thighs strained as she crouched. The dirt pushed aside by the matching green canvas sneakers Dina had found out in an abandon outpost she spent a month rewiring two years ago. Her good luck shoes, Ellie told her.

There in front of Dina, knelt proof of just over twenty years of recovery wrapped up in a tight little package. Light glinted off the revolver in her waistband as she stood up. They probably wouldn’t need it out here, but no one in this world made it to forty-two without a little extra caution.

“Ta da!” Ellie grinned as she passed over a jar with her signature “three fingers” of whiskey. The glass was cool and Dina brushed her hands over Ellie’s warm fingers as she took the glass and tipped half of it back with a laugh.

Giving Ellie's ass a light smack as she walked past, Dina stepped up to the telescope adjusting it slightly. “Alright, you goober. Let’s see what this thing is all about.”

“It’s not a thing, that is Halley’s comet.” Ellie took a sip of her own whiskey. Dina was once again wrapped up in her arms as she peered in through the viewfinder, fiddling with the dials until the tail of the comet was visible. While Ellie distracted her kissing down slope of her neck, pulling the neck of her blouse down to kiss her old arrow wound. The action making her skin flush with heat. “It’s been gracing our skies for centuries, show some damn respect.”

“Wow, Ellie. Joking aside, this is spectacular.” She focused the scope with a slight twist. “There’s two tails.”

“It is.” Ellie kissed behind her ear, and Dina felt the brush of a smile against her skin. “Yet, it’s the second most beautiful event to occur in my life time.”

“You want to take another look through the scope?” Dina nudged her with her hip. Grinning at her wife’s cheesy display of affection. It had taken years to get it back. Hard work and several lifetimes of communication though words and art, but for her. For them it hadn’t been easy. To get themselves to this point in life, it all had been so, so worth it.

“Don’t need to. I’m seeing everything I ever wanted to see.”

“Bullshit.” Turning into Ellie’s arms she tapped her nose, “You’re being a fucking sap, look through the fucking telescope. I know you want to, nerd.”

As Ellie stepped up to the viewfinder, Dina twisted around her with some old lost grace, encircling her arms around Ellie’s waist. Finding her left hand with her right and entwining their fingers together.

The first few years they were together, whenever Dina first started reaching for her left hand Ellie had struggled, apologizing constantly before switching hands. As if Dina didn’t know what she was holding on to. It wasn’t until she had reassured her that she wanted to love all of her – even her broken, missing parts – that Ellie finally understood.

“After careful observation, Halley’s comet above the Tetons is confirmed to be the second most beautiful event to occur in my life time.”

“You are right,” Dina gestured to herself with a wicked grin, locking eyes with Ellie. “I have some pretty Grand Tetons.”

“Really babe? Right now?” Ellie groaned at the old joke. “Whoever named those mountains must have been really desperate to get laid after months of traveling to look at a mountain range and think – yep, boobs. Those are some big tits.”

“Pfft. You’re one to judge.” Damn near every time you get back from your work trips the first thing you do is grab my tits.” Dina leaned in with a devilish smirk, whispering conspiratorially. “Oh my. Ellie, have you been touching yourself to the mountains when I’m not around?”

With a long suffering sigh, Ellie covered her face with her hand. “And now, I regret ever bringing it up.”

“Oh, you totally have.” Dina singsonged.

“If I say yes will you drop it?” An eye peeked out from between long fingers.

“Never. Should I start referring to mine as a grand range of mountits?”

“I don’t know why I expected anything else from you.”

Dina took Ellie’s hand in hers, tracing the fronds of her fern tattoo up towards the moth. Over the years it had managed to hold it’s shape well despite Cat being inexperienced. Some lines had blurred and it was difficult to tell around her burn scar what was moth and what what fern in some spots. Dina still hadn’t thanked her for putting it on Ellie, it really had grown on her after all this time.

“What were you doing in the cabin?” Ellie asked, holding her arm still between them.

“I was going through some of your letters.”

“Yeah?” Dina shifted closer, wrapping herself around Ellie's midsection so Ellie could rest her chin on the crown of her head. “The naughty ones?”

“The sweet ones. I was reading them to remind myself why I love you.”

“Wow. Okay. I see how it is.” Pulling back Ellie, blinked down at her, before biting her lip trying not to laugh.

“Look we all can’t marry, perfection.” Dina slipped out of Ellie’s arms, trailing a hand over her jaw and tapping gently.

“No we can’t, you’re already married to me.”

Dina pulled Ellie’s left hand into hers tracing the recently healed line work of the hamsa she had gotten in lieu of a ring. Ellie hated rings or anything that could inform an enemy you had an emotional attachment to exploit. Dina’s heart swelled at the memory when she revealed her surprise at the wedding. Softly whispering in her ear, openly crying, happier than Dina could ever recall seeing her, not even when JJ called her Ma for the first time.

_Dina, I can’t lose this or take it off. I’m yours._ _For as long as you’ll have me. I’ll_ _be yours._

“It was nice of Cat to touch up your tattoos,” Ellie hummed an affirmative, shivering as Dina moved the pad of her thumb to trace the small line work of the Earth on her pinky knuckle, for JJ her whole world. Their whole world.

It had taken years, but there was a small return of feeling into her nubs. At least that’s what Ellie swore whenever Dina touched them.

“I’m surprised you didn’t get a new one.”

“Maybe I did and you haven’t found it.” Ellie’s grin was cocky, yet for all that attitude Dina still knew how easily she would break.

“Unless she tattooed the inside of your asshole there isn’t a spot on your body you could hide a tattoo from me.” Dina picked up Ellie’s other hand tracing, old blown out line work lightly, until she reached the moth that covered mottled scar tissue and placed her whole hand over it, feeling life thrum out from under her palm.

“Gross.” Ellie made a barfing noise, sitting still and letting Dina hold her arm,“Where the fuck do you come up with that shit?”

“Shut up, you love me.”

“Yeah. For some strange reason. Might have to remind myself.”

Dina carefully dragged her hands up Ellie’s arms and placed them on her shoulder with an innocent look, leaning in to wipe the sweat from her face on to Ellie’s. “How’s that for a reminder?”

“Not as gross as it was when you were nineteen. Think I might be immune now.” In a swift movement she wiped her own sweaty face face against Dina’s. The two of them settling against each other hushed laughter shared between them. When they calmed down, Dina watched the comet, it reminded her of a snowball. A space snowball that made her think of the morning after the dance. The snowball fight with the kids, watching Ellie go from awkward to determined and playful. Everything she loved about the girl.

“Dance with me?” Dina pulled Ellie closer by her shoulders, resting her head there. Humming a familiar old tune, she swayed them both gently for a time. They would glance up at the comet every so often. When she finished she found Ellie watching her face intensely. Mouth slightly open in and expression of pure love.

“You remember the dance?”

“I’m forty-two, not eighty-six.” Ellie said, sarcastically.

“If things hadn’t gotten out of hand, I was going to take you home.”

“This is news to me. I didn’t know you were a kidnapper.” Ellie teased, kissing her gently. “Twenty three years and you didn’t tell me?

“Well, things got a little hectic, we had to raise a whole human being, hold jobs, heal from trauma.”

“That is true.” Ellie’s mouth quirked up, belying the serious face she was trying to pull, “Do you think JJ’s doing okay without us?”  
  
Shaking her head at the utter ridiculousness of her wife, Dina kissed her neck, “Ellie, he is twenty-fucking -three and if he is anything like you were at that age,” she bit at the underside of Ellie’s jaw. “and he is, he is going to get himself into some trouble, nothing he can't get himself out of without us. Our son is an adult. Now please, I wanna hear about the stars.”

Dina moved the telescope so it was behind them so it wouldn’t block their view. Taking Ellie’s hand she guided her down onto the blanket until they were on their back shoulders touching. Much like when they were younger, and the world was daunting for far less painful reasons, like crushing on your best friend who might not like you back. It had seemed so intense back then, to be under the stars, where Ellie felt safest with her. Would always be where Dina felt closest.  
  
“We never found out if they’re infinite for certain, but from the right angles it sure does seem like it.” Ellie made a fist with her hand. “First base knuckle, just beyond that is Betelgeuse.”

“Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.” Dina finished. Ellie scoffed and lightly tapped Dina’s side with her elbow.

“Good thing that joke hasn’t gotten old in fifteen years.”

“Not my fault they named a star after a movie.” Dina stared over at her wife, who gave her a hard side eye. “What, they suck at naming stars.”

Ellie rolled her eyes bringing her hand back up to the sky. Dina moved her head closer for a clearer line of sight, “Anyway you see Betel...that faint star? Right on Orion’s shoulder?” Dina nodded when she found it. “It used to be one of the brightest stars in the sky. It’s six hundred light years away. If it went out, humans wouldn’t know for another six hundred years. It could all be finite.”

Dina turned her head, Ellie’s skin seemed to glow under the night sky. Her face grew pensive and before she could withdraw into her head completely, Dina gently pulled her back, “What could?”

  
There was beauty in listening to Ellie talk about the stars. Science merged with prose, it spilled out of her like a river, once she started it was hard to stop her. Not that Dina ever would, for someone of so little words most of the time, to see this enthusiasm return to her. Some nights she wished the dawn never came, just so she would never have to stop.

This vast unknown that would never be explored in their life time yet here her wife was, charting courses across the sky with the length of her fingers and the backs of her knuckles like it was a second nature at this point.  
  
“The universe isn’t infinitely old. We know the time it started, billions of years ago, we’ll never know if it will end. There are theories about what that might mean. I only know so much.” Ellie shrugged, her eyes drifting over to Dina earnestly. “Anyway, the universe is bigger than we were ever able to observe. We lost so much technology in space. Satellites. Telescopes. Probes. It’s all out there but we can’t communicate with them anymore. What’s left, this night sky, is our observable universe.”

“Well, it’s a pretty handsome universe.” Dina waited for Ellie’s to chuckle and tease her for the implication, to defer the compliment back to her. Instead she gestured to the sparkling expanse above, continuing.

“From this perspective though it seems to go on forever. There are galaxies within galaxies, universes we never explored, possibilities we can’t fathom. We only see the millions of stars in our night sky, millions of light years away, and we can’t count them all.”

Ellie rolled to face her and she mirrored the movement. The night sky always felt the most breathtaking in Ellie’s eyes. Dina counted as many as she could in the black of her pupil before Ellie continued, voice hard with resolve and yet somehow still soft with awe.

“It won’t stop me. I'm going to spend my life counting them until I run out. Because every star, every breath I share with you. That's another view from a new angle. That's another infinity I get to spend with you.” She held her hand back out, mapping the sky beyond it.

Overcome with that old familiar ache that accompanied hearing Ellie speak of their love in a way she could quantify, ever since they were teens. Once upon a time she might have been awkward about it when they were seventeen, but her at forty-two she had mastered the art form.

Dina watched beyond Ellie’s hand, as the comet followed the trajectory it took for centuries before they were alive and would take long after they were dead. Without turning her head to check, Dina knew Ellie wasn’t looking at the sky, not when she could find whatever constellation or star cluster she was seeking on Dina’s face.

“There is a once in a lifetime occurrence happening and you’re looking at my face.”

“We’re stardust.” Ellie continued, words coming out faster now. Dina’s pride swelled at how Ellie openly volunteered her deepest thoughts these days. A far cry from the quiet girl who would barely open up about her favorite color when they first met.

“What we experience here, it’s all relative. There is part of us, a part of every human that misses the stars. That tries to make sense of them, through science and art, stories and song. We try to understand, try to get back. We’re the universe, experiencing itself. One day, when we’re gone. You and I will be up there, until the universe grows cold.”

Resting her hand on Ellie’s thigh she thought of Talia, how part of her lived on in Dina and part of her, in Ellie’s eyes existed as part of the universe. Living on through her stories while also a part of the elements that make up the world around them.

This was Ellie’s interpretation of something more, she had no true faith in God, over time through Dina teaching her traditions and letting her pray in her own way, they had cobbled together their own little shared beliefs. Different angles. Ellie suddenly seemed to come back to herself, her face flushing when she noticed she had been rambling. Her mouth trembling and her eyes, shining. Dina’s heart melted at the sight. She was such a fucking sap. Her fucking sap.  
  


“Hon, be honest,” Dina rolled over, grinning as Ellie’s throat bobbed and their eyes met, “did you smoke a joint before getting me?”

“No,” Her indignant scoff sounded wet and she sniffed, blinking at the sky before staring at Dina, her tongue swiping over her lip, “you bring these thoughts out in me. I think it’s a proximity thing.”

Reaching out and wiping the tears from Ellie’s eyes with her thumb, Dina placed a kiss on her nose and moved. She could listen to her wife talk for hours about space and the universe, tonight, right now she wanted to hear her wife pray to her in another way.

“Hmm, how’s this for a thought?” Dina swung a leg over Ellie hips, gently pressing down. Letting out a low laugh at the strained groan that left he wife's lips.

“Ow, my kidneys. I need those.” Ellie said in mock pain, adjusting herself underneath Dina her hands coming to rest on her hips the warmth pleasantly leeching into Dina’s skin.

  
“Shush. How’s your hip?” She shifted her own weight to push up in case the position agitated Ellie’s old patrol injury.

“S’fine. More than fine if we’re just going to recreate the rest of our wedding night here.” Ellie began to circle her thumbs over Dina’s hip, stoking the low burn in her stomach. 

Dina popped Ellie’s jeans open with one hand and untucked the green button up that complimented her wife's eyes so well. Running her hand up sturdy muscle finding old scars and new. The fear that once motivated her to rush, to push, to make sure that Ellie couldn’t leave had quieted over the years. They both had their bad days, accepted them as thy came and faced them together other. With that knowledge the desire to take time to take their time, fueled her as she gently brushed over the scar Ellie had returned from California with. Drawing her finger tip over it before moving downwards.

“Oh, fuck.” Ellie muttered in surprise, her irises a thin green line against the black hole her pupil had become, swallowing all light. Her chest stilled, eyes scanning Dina’s face in open wonder. The same open wonder Dina would catch on her face whenever she watched Ellie stare at the night sky.

“That’s the plan.” Dina placed a chaste, lingering kiss to Ellie’s scarred brow. “Don’t forget to breathe.”

Ellie nodded, her left hand coming up to cup Dina’s face and chuckled, “Kinda hard when you take my breath away.”

“Dork.” Dina muttered, fondly. Kissing Ellie leisurely until she felt her wife settle back into the moment. She pulled back, wondering if she looked as wild as she felt.

“Relax. Keep your eyes to the sky, love. I’m gonna make you discover a whole new set of constellations.” She lightly bit down on the lobe of Ellie’s ear enjoying the way she groaned low, her whole body stiffened then relaxed, her finger tips digging into her hips as she swallowed heavily. So easy thrown from her orbit, even after all these years. Yeah Dina still had it. "And you can tell me all about the story behind them. The next time we're out here.”

  
Later after they had their fill of each other, sweat cooling in the warm breeze of the rising dawn. Blanket at their backs, their clothes draped over their midsection. Dina tucked herself into the crook of Ellie arms enjoying the seclusion from the rest of the world. Their world boiled down the fading stars above and each others presence. Dina’s lids felt heavy, the steady beat of Ellie’s heart and the expansion of her lungs with each breath lulling her to sleep.

“You know I have my own comet? I discovered it when I was sixteen.” Ellie’s voice was soft. Reverent in a way she rarely reserved for anything other then talking about space or her family.

“Oh really? There’s a comet Ellie?” Dina mumbled, in disbelief. Sleepily shoving at Ellie’s arm.

“Steve, actually.” Dina opened her eyes to see Ellie grinning down at her, proud of herself. Dina opened her mouth and closed it, grimacing. Steve was a terrible name.

Poking Ellie’s exposed hip Dina kissed her cheek, “Thank god I named JJ.”

“What? Steve is a good name.” Ellie pouted. “I think it’s a good name. No one here has any taste.”

“Tell JJ he was almost named Steve and we’ll see how good it is.” Dina shifted and kissed the dusting of freckles on Ellie’s nose, next to another new scar. The purples of the night rosy hues of a bright new dawn shown above the horizon. The comet fading as it approached. Dina sat up, patting the space in front of her until Ellie sat in front of her. Holding her to her chest Dina rested her head on Ellie’s broad shoulder. “Watch the sun rise with me?”

“Always.” Ellie’s hand found hers, they stayed sitting together, hand in hand, until the sun had risen before them.

Twenty years together and the promise of another twenty more, lay ahead of them. A stretch of time that seemed as infinite as the stars that hung above the Earth, through darkness and light.

They would face bad days, they would enjoy better days.

As long as they had each other, there would be time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're coming over from tumblr on day seven, thank you for coming along for the ride this week! I wanted to write something that pushed me well out of my comfort zone which meant first person, not ending on the really sad note I had planned, and also writing from Dina's POV for the first time. The experiment was to see how may times I could slip in "my wife" cause that's what I wanted to see. 
> 
> I spent a good amount of time trying to figure out how to tell this story. I knew I wanted it to end with an imagined pull away to reveal that you were reading along with Dina. To have the experience on tumblr feel personal and unique to the event through photomode shots and letters. Hopefully this little experiment did just that or a close approximation to it. Lemme know how it made you feel (or whatever real scientists ask) in the comments. They help me improve and also make my day. 
> 
> Thank you so so much for reading and engaging, this week has been wonderful and I'm grateful you gave this story a shot. :)
> 
> And if you're joining after the fact, I still hope you like the story and appreciate you taking the time to give it a read.

**Author's Note:**

> come yell at me or with me over on tumblr @dissonantdreamer


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